Journey to Eternity Podcast

Overcoming the Fear of Man: Liberating Yourself from the Chains of Approval

• Luisa and Mike Sirignano • Episode 48

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What if the fear of man is quietly ruling your life and distorting your relationships? In Episode 48 of the Journey to Eternity podcast, Luisa and Mike unravel this sneaky, yet impactful fear that can lead to people-pleasing and a life of insecurity and pride. They pull back the curtain on how this fear, when unchecked, can negatively impact our personal relationships and lead us astray in our faith journey. Drawing insights from Philippians 2:3-4, they highlight the importance of humility and genuine service to others, while challenging listeners to distinguish between selfless service and actions driven by selfish motives.

Continuing the exploration, they shine a light on the damaging effects that the fear of man can have on mental health and relationships. Through a personal lens, Mike shares his journey of overcoming people-pleasing, rooted in childhood bullying, and how prioritizing God's approval has transformed his life and their marriage. Luisa and Mike reflect on how common it is for people to unknowingly live in this cycle, inviting you to be introspective and recognize these patterns in your own life. This conversation aims to equip you with the understanding needed to break free and align your self-worth with a divine perspective.

They also tackle the weighty consequences of fearing man, from favoritism and compromise to deceitfulness and the denial of Christ. By examining biblical examples and personal experiences, they show how these fears influence decisions and actions. Emphasizing the need for authenticity and integrity, especially in an age dominated by social media, they underscore the importance of seeking God's guidance in decision-making. As they wrap up this episode, they invite you to join them in their continued journey of overcoming these fears and finding true freedom in trusting God over seeking human approval.

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Mike:

So welcome to the show. I'm Luisa and I'm Mike, and this is episode 48 of the Journey to Eternity podcast.

Luisa:

In every episode, we help Christians use God's Word to navigate everyday life in a sinful, fallen world.

Mike:

Hey, it's Thanksgiving time, babe. Yes, it is, and I'll bet you guys thought we'd be talking about gratitude.

Luisa:

Ha ha.

Mike:

And that is a worthy topic and we should always be grateful to God. It's something that should be the trademark of all Christians an attitude of gratitude. But Louise and I were talking the other day and she suggested that we tackle the subject of the fear of man, and unless you're a robot, you probably have experienced this in one way or another. So that's today's topic.

Luisa:

Yes, and I think everybody has gone through that babe.

Mike:

I know it. One thing I do want to make clear is this is going to be a two-part episode. Today we're going to talk about the fear of man and then next time we're going to talk about the fear of God. It's going to be a quick turnaround. I want to say it's about two weeks. This way we get it in before Christmas. But I really just wanted you guys to understand that what we're going to talk about today is like it's a really heavy topic.

Luisa:

Yeah.

Mike:

And there's really a lot to it. And as we were kind of planning this out, I'm saying, oh my goodness, how are we going to get all this in? How are we going to talk about the fear of man but yet still give it a solution?

Luisa:

And that's why I said we should have a two part.

Mike:

Right. So we're going to talk about the solution in the next episode, but we're going to kind of get you prepared for that. We're going to break down this subject, which is a really big subject, something that Christians go through a lot, in the same way that secular people go through it, and it's just kind of, in a different way, geared towards God. So before we get started, let's pray.

Luisa:

Oh, heavenly Father, we ask you for your wisdom. As we begin this podcast, we acknowledge that we need your wisdom and insight, so we welcome your presence among us now. Please guide us as we speak and teach your word, and let your will be done in the end. In Jesus' name, we pray.

Mike:

Amen. So let's get right into it by defining the phrase fear of man.

Luisa:

The fear of man is a morbid concern about what other men may think about you, say about you or do to you. Another word for it is insecurity. Insecure people derive their personal worth from the affirmations of others.

Mike:

Amen, that's a great explanation, sweetheart. I have to say that one thing I want to do make clear when we say fear of man, that's not a gender thing.

Luisa:

Right, it's women.

Mike:

Women and men are both equally sinful in this area, and there is a tremendous amount of sin that comes from this.

Luisa:

Yes.

Mike:

Sin of pride is really the main sin, but as we get into this today, we're going to talk about a lot of the sin that comes out of the sin of pride, which comes out of the fear of man. In the secular world, we might think of people who are people-pleasers. Now, I don't want to spend a lot of time on the secular portion of this because this podcast is from a biblical perspective, but it's worth understanding the secular view and that there are some comparisons we could make as Christians. Now, a people pleaser is someone who consistently puts the needs of others before their own. You might say wait a minute there, that's right.

Mike:

Aren't Christians supposed to put the needs of others before themselves?

Luisa:

Babe, if we look at Philippians, chapter 2 and verses 3 to 4, it plainly states this Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others.

Mike:

Sounds like Christians are supposed to be people pleasers, and that's true, but really what it comes down to is the motive behind things.

Luisa:

Right is being people pleasers in a healthy, godly way.

Mike:

So if our motive is selfless, which means we truly do have the interests of others, then yes, it is a godly thing to do that, but, as we're going to see as we go through this, that's not always how it works out. Now, in that scripture, paul is advocating a humble attitude and a genuine heart for the need of others.

Luisa:

So let's think about that a general heart for the needs of others. So if I do things for you, I'm not waiting in return from something back from you.

Mike:

Right. So what we want to look at is what about when the ambition is selfish? So it's the selfish motive that produces pride, because you make it about yourself, right, and we're going to see how that plays out now. So what we tend to do sometimes is yes, we do have a good motive, we do want to please others, and we go through that when, sometimes, we do our service in the church. So we do want to please others, but the motivation may not be what we think Satisfying your own desires. Sometimes we do it for ourselves and we're going to break all this down as we go, but we're kind of just trying to give you an overview of what is entailed in the fear of man, and usually it's very self-serving. It's like calculating, right. We could calculate how we're going to use our service to get something out of it ourselves, and that happens more often than you think.

Luisa:

And it's not only when you're serving in a church, it's serving one another as husband and wife. Yes, think about that. You get calculated sometimes.

Mike:

Listen, we know that we're married for a long time now. Yes, sometimes it gets a little funny.

Luisa:

And that's both of us. Yes, it is.

Mike:

Yes, it is. Praise God, we'll get through that. Some other ways that we might have a selfish ambition is when we have trouble saying no, or sometimes we say yes to things that we really don't want to do.

Luisa:

And again the motivation behind it is selfish.

Mike:

So we're going to talk about some of that. Other things we'll cover is we may feel that our wants and our needs don't matter, but they really do matter when we really get down to it. Sometimes we do things trying to get something in return. Yeah, you know, we might need recognition. So we'll do something for someone, hoping to get recognition for it. Right, hoping to get acceptance, helping to get approval. Sometimes we need a pat on the back and that's why we do something. Is that really selfless or is that selfish?

Mike:

And how about the need to look good. Oh, my goodness, everybody wants to look good. I know that that's a very big issue, not only in the secular world, but also in the Christian world.

Luisa:

Right, you are hurt when you don't get what you want.

Mike:

Right. So when we're doing things for recognition, when we're doing things for the approval of man and we're waiting for something to come back, we're waiting for somebody to say oh great job, louisa. Yeah, pat on the back, yeah.

Luisa:

I'm watching you. You're so good. And what happens when you don't get it? You sit there and you probably say, like I feel, like I'm not worth anything.

Mike:

Right.

Luisa:

Like I really did something good here. I really helped this person, and nobody's recognizing me in this.

Mike:

Sometimes you get mad. I've seen people get mad when they don't get that approval that they're looking for. Another thing we're going to cover is what people do sometimes is they may alter their personality around others. So you're one way when maybe you and I are talking, we could be one way with each other, but we might go somewhere else and we'll be different, right? Maybe it's around unbelievers, maybe it's in a work situation, maybe it's even in church, when we're dealing with different crowds within the church.

Luisa:

Right, and it's that love the one you're with Right.

Mike:

Yeah, and we've seen that happen with a lot of people. Sometimes your identity is determined by others. So who you are today is determined by who you're. With the type of people you're hanging around, with the type of situation that you're in, you change your attitude, your values, your behavior, just to conform to others.

Luisa:

Right, and sometimes I think people just become that and they don't even realize that that's who they're becoming, that's who they becoming.

Mike:

Until there's something else yes. So people pleasers are often seen as agreeable, helpful and kind. However, they can also have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to several things. So one of those things is self-sacrifice or self-neglect.

Luisa:

Right, so that's. People pleasing always leads to unhappiness with self.

Mike:

In the end it reallylect Right. So that's people pleasing always leads to unhappiness with self. In the end it really does. You really think that by doing it you're going to get some joy out of it, but a lot of times at the end you feel kind of empty. I've seen people, and I've also seen myself, go through this type of cycle, so I have to confess that I've spent a lifetime full of being a people pleaser.

Luisa:

When I first met you, you were the biggest people pleaser I ever met in my whole entire life and I was miserable. Yes, you were not happy.

Mike:

I praise God because he's done a work in me and I could have never have done this myself, but just by being grounded in his word and by being around other godly men that have set an example for me that I've been able to overcome this, because I certainly had no desire or ability to do that myself. What I notice is that once you are unhappy with yourself, you have resentment. You might have resentment for the people that you're kind of in. That people-pleasing cycle with Relationships can get burnt out when one person is a people-pleaser, or both people can be a people pleaser, yeah, and the relationships they become toxic.

Luisa:

Yeah, and the resentment is buried deep inside.

Mike:

Right. Some people don't show it Right, and that's where it really gets dangerous. You also are drained. You're exhausted because it's tiring trying to please men Right, because you can never satisfy them.

Luisa:

And you can never satisfy all the different people that you're trying to please. It's not like you're only doing it for one person, and sometimes people try to satisfy people that don't want to be satisfied, and you're doing it, and they don't even have a clue that you're doing that. How about that?

Mike:

It even leads to other mental health conditions. You lose sleep. How many people lose sleep because they're filled with anxiety? They don't have any peace of mind, because they're so consumed with trying to please other people that they can't rest. You might get depressed, you have anxiety, everything is hidden and essentially, you're fake, right, and people don't want to know that they're fake. No, they sure don't. It's just what it is.

Luisa:

So let's look at what the Bible says about the fear of man, babe.

Mike:

Okay, so the biblical definition of the fear of man refers to the desire for the approval of others over the approval of God.

Luisa:

So that's fearing the loss of love, goodwill or friendship from others.

Mike:

You want things so bad, or to be accepted and approved of so bad, that you're not able to even have a relationship with these people anymore because you're so to even have a relationship with these people anymore because you're so—.

Luisa:

Or not. A sincere relationship?

Mike:

yeah it becomes very shallow, you become very needy, and what happens is you put people before God, and that's the difference between a secular people pleaser who puts the difference between you and the other person. This here is you're putting people instead of God Right, and God doesn't want that. God is a jealous God. He says in the first commandment that you shall have no other gods before me, and he means that. Okay, because when we try to please man instead of God, we're essentially putting them in the place of God, and that's a huge sin.

Luisa:

Another sin is that you can't be controlled by others.

Mike:

Right. But if you really think about it, it's not that people are controlling you. You give people control by giving your power away and I know you talk about that a lot when people are in this type of mode, right? So what it essentially is is you're holding somebody in awe and that's like worshiping others, right Again. Another sin is a sin of idolatry. You make idols out of people.

Luisa:

But that's how you give your power away to people.

Mike:

You have to please them for self-satisfaction, and what I find out is that you never get any satisfaction when you're trying to please them Right. You trust in people instead of God.

Luisa:

And we replace God with people.

Mike:

It's such a tangled web that we have when we're looking at this subject that really it's really difficult.

Luisa:

And I think again, like I said before, this becomes people's norm, that they don't even realize that they're doing that I spent years doing it and I never even thought that this was what was going on. Right, it's really, it's not. Before you were a believer.

Mike:

Oh, way before that. It's just, I'm telling you, I spent my whole life in this type of mode.

Luisa:

And where does that stem from, babe? So maybe people can understand. It comes from when you're a child.

Mike:

Sometimes you have incidents that go on for you when you're young.

Mike:

I know I was bullied a lot when I was young, so I know I've talked about that before and I know that that made me into a people pleaser. I had a fear of being bullied. I had a fear of getting beaten up, did whatever I could to avoid that type of situation and this all happened when I was a teen. Now it doesn't happen that way for everybody, but I know that that's how it happened for me and, boy, I wish I could have that one back, but that's what God, what the plan he had for me, was, and it molded me into what I am today. So I know that that's how I know that God gets all the credit, because I spent all those years and I couldn't get out of it if I tried and it wasn't until he took over my life and I allowed him to shape me. That that's when I was able to get stronger.

Luisa:

And you know, as your wife, I see that your motive right now is pleasing God first, and for me, as your wife, looking at you this way just brings me so much joy to my heart because I know how you were before and before I used to struggle with it. You know that, always trying to please people, and I used to be like why?

Mike:

are you doing that? You know?

Luisa:

like. That's not working, babe. Like you don't have to please everybody that comes in front of you and you just live that way and that used to sadden my heart back then.

Mike:

And now.

Luisa:

I watch you and I just praise God for bringing you to this godly man that understands that you're here to please God, and God alone.

Mike:

And it saddens me when I see it in other people. And you're here to please me too, Don't forget that I try honey, but you know what?

Luisa:

babe, nobody thinks they have the fear of man, but we all do in some way or another. So how do we know?

Mike:

Right? Well, there are indicators, there are things that point to the fear of man, so we're going to list them out in a question form and discuss each one, and we're going to invite you to consider them for yourselves, because I've had to consider all of them and I see myself showing up here a lot, so I think it would be valuable for anybody that's listening to really hear what some of these indicators are.

Luisa:

And there's something for somebody.

Mike:

I don't care who you are. There's something for everybody here.

Luisa:

Okay, if you're really honest and you really want to grow in your walk with Christ and you want God to really deliver you from these things that you're still walking in, you have to first acknowledge it yourself Amen. Are you easily influenced by others? Right, that's the question.

Mike:

That's a big deal called peer pressure.

Luisa:

Yeah.

Mike:

We all have that feeling of peer pressure once in a while. So let's look at an example. Maybe you're in a group and they're deciding to do something, whatever it might be, and you don't really want to do it, but you decide that you're going to go along with the crowd just to fit in.

Luisa:

Right.

Mike:

So what it is is you're conforming to the desires of those around you, even when you know that it's not the best decision for you.

Luisa:

And I know that that is not a good feeling. When I was younger, believe it or not, I lived like that too. I really didn't want to do the things that my sisters did Right, but they were my sisters, and if I don't, I'm going to be isolated, which eventually. That's what happened in my life.

Luisa:

Growing up, I just realized that I wasn't going to walk to the beat of my own drum, and I realized that in my later teenage years, but I'm sure that has happened to everybody that you make a decision that you really don't want to make, and you do it because and it's likely you desire their approval and fear their rejection, just like I say fearing their rejection of my sister, saying you know what? You can't hang with us, right and I know that happens for a lot of people.

Mike:

This is what the Bible calls fear of man.

Luisa:

Yeah.

Mike:

Another thing is do you struggle to say no?

Luisa:

I think a lot of people struggle to say no.

Mike:

I've lived that, yeah. So there were just things growing up that I couldn't say no to. Not that I couldn't. I just chose not to because I had the fear of man.

Luisa:

Right. And what does the Bible say? Let your yes be yes and your no be no.

Mike:

Amen, and we have to take a stand without making excuses, and that's what I feel that happens for us sometimes is we say no or we make an excuse, but we really don't have any conviction behind it.

Luisa:

How do I talk to our granddaughters about that? I talk to them about that. Your yes is your yes and your no is your no. What did Lila do the other day when she called me and there was something she did not want to do, but she felt you know what? Oh, I don't want this person to feel bad, so I'm just going to do it. And what did I say to her? Absolutely not Just say no.

Mike:

Just say no without an explanation, because we say yes too often without really wanting to and there's always a consequence with that. So we have to try to look at the conviction that we have inside of us. A lot of times we do know not do something and we really want to say no, but we do it anyway. We say yes. Sometimes we're really overcommitted and people want us to do something more. That happens a lot sometimes in the church. We have a lot of things on our plate. We have a lot of things in work, sometimes that we have too many things on our schedule and we really shouldn't say yes to something, but we do anyway.

Luisa:

Right, and this is motivated by the desire to please others. Amen the next question is are you needy, Mike, talk about this.

Mike:

I spent most of my life being needy and I brought that into my marriage and that was really hard for us. I know we went through a time at the beginning of our marriage when I was just a needy person.

Luisa:

And I wasn't saved.

Mike:

I was still in the end of my people-pleasing phase and boy, I know I was needy.

Luisa:

And that was so hard for me.

Mike:

It was really difficult Because it was like what is all this about?

Luisa:

It felt like I had to walk on eggshells with you in the beginning of our marriages because I knew that you were needy.

Mike:

Yeah. So what it is is sometimes we expect people to listen to us, show us respect, do stuff for us, show us love in a certain way, and that was really hard. So what it is is we take it as a need and we have to be really careful with that word, because it's really not a need, but it's more of a demand.

Luisa:

Right, you want to feel a certain type of love, right, and I could never give you that.

Mike:

You can't, you can't give that to me, so you were always disappointed?

Luisa:

Yes, and you always walked in that space of you're not giving me what I need right now and I used to be like, and what is that?

Mike:

Yeah, it's like. It's not funny, but it's almost like.

Luisa:

No, we can laugh about it now in a way, but it was hard it was really hard.

Mike:

It's like you have this feeling of being deprived, but you're really not being deprived. It's like You're being selfish. Yeah, thank you, and sometimes we have these expectations for our spouses that we can't meet.

Luisa:

And I knew back then and we weren't saved. But I even knew back then that I couldn't meet those expectations that you were demanding of me.

Mike:

It was very difficult. It really put a lot of pressure on our marriage and I'm sorry for that and I'm glad that you know at least we were in a different place now. Amen, praise the Lord.

Luisa:

He gets all the glory for that and I'm glad that you know at least we're in a different place now. Amen, praise the Lord. He gets all the glory for that baby.

Mike:

I mean, like any human being, I lapse sometimes, but I really feel like I've made some progress at least. Anyway, thank you, lord. Another thing is do you fear exposure, to be exposed? So when we feel inferior, we might alter what we say, or we might also keep quiet so that we won't be exposed? I mean, how many times have that happened? We also. We're worried, as what is somebody going to think of us? I mean, that's really a big problem. So I'm not going to say something because I really don't want anybody to know that about me or I don't want people to think weirdly of me. So sometimes you don't say something. But this is all because we fear men.

Luisa:

Okay, the next question do you struggle making decisions? I think everybody does that.

Mike:

I think so too. I mean, sometimes we second guess ourselves. But it's really what happens when you become paralyzed, because sometimes we know we have a decision to be made out there there and we're just afraid to go either way. So it's even past a struggle to make decisions. I mean, sometimes it's right there in front of you. I got to do it this way, but we're so afraid. You know, we want to please everyone, we don't want to let anybody down.

Luisa:

Right, we have to make a choice and it fills us with anxiety and fear. Imagine that.

Mike:

Yes, and sometimes it could come under the simplest of things and basically it's like we want the esteem of others Right and we're afraid that if we make a decision that disappoints them, we're afraid that we're going to lose people's respect for us.

Luisa:

Right.

Mike:

And most of the time people are just going to say okay.

Luisa:

Yeah, but you know what? Again that word respect is thrown around like it's so toxic that word respect. Okay, Because that's what gets a lot of people in trouble. I need respect. I want respect, I deserve respect and it's like, okay, that's no way to get it. Yeah, you know. So.

Mike:

Respect is something you earn, not demand. It's really tough. We have to really sometimes give ourselves grace, and the best way to make a decision is just to go to God, right always. Sometimes just ask God for wisdom. God, I have this really big decision I want to make. How do I go? Which way is the best way to go? God, what should I do in this situation?

Luisa:

God, and if you sit and you pray about it and you earnestly ask him, he's going to show you the way to go Right, because obviously you're stuck and you're having all these mixed feelings of what should I do, how should I do it, when should I do it? And God is right there saying come to me, he does those who are weary and burdened. I'll give you rest.

Mike:

Yeah, he will make sure that you know which way to go. Right Another thing, and this is a big one. Okay, this is always a big one for you, honey, do you lie or do you stretch the truth? It's not a big one for me.

Luisa:

No, I thought you were, Because that's where?

Mike:

no, that's where social media is where the truth gets stretched and where people lie. So think about all the people that are on social media. We're out there to make ourselves look better. If you look at what people post all the time, it's like most of it's fake. Most of it is exaggerated.

Luisa:

And most of it is ego. Ego, your ego, you want people to think that you're here when you're really down here. Right, you want people to think you live this way when you really live this way. You want people to look at you and say, oh, I want to be like her, when that's not who you really are.

Mike:

So even outside the realm of social media, just in everyday life. You know, sometimes we lie, sometimes we stretch the truth. Okay, A lot of times we're ashamed of something, so we'll try to make ourselves look better. We're afraid of being harmed. We're afraid of exposure. We talked about that before.

Mike:

Shame we're afraid of rejection. So we stretch the truth, we say some things that aren't the truth, and we have to be careful because exaggerating people think, well, I'm not lying. Well, yes, you are. Yes, you are Okay. So whenever you stretch the truth, whenever you try to make yourself better or higher or anything like that, you're lying.

Luisa:

And let me ask you a question how is that working for you when you do that? It's not.

Mike:

Well, people can see through you most of the time. So I know that's a shock to some folks, but when people are stretching the truth they tend to make it really obvious. And people are not that dumb, and this is why I like the podcast that we do?

Luisa:

because you and I are who we are. Okay, we can't be one way. And then all of a sudden we get on this podcast and we try to act like somebody we're not, and people are like that's not who you are.

Mike:

We know you're not like that. I think it's important just for us to be authentic and humble. I think it's important just for us to be authentic and humble and humble. So people who lie and stress the truth, it's motivated by the fear of man.

Luisa:

Are you preoccupied with people's perception of you? Amen.

Mike:

All right, okay, let's go. So when you're talking, you talk about your accomplishments. Are you like building yourself up for other people to see? That's a dangerous perception. So somebody says, well, I caught a fish this big. Do you come by and say, well, you should have seen the fish I caught, it was this big. Are you always worried about story topping? Are you big on boasting of your accomplishments? We never talk about ourselves out of fear that we are thought of as proud. So this is another one. A lot of times, people will just keep silent because they know that they're going to try to build themselves up. So they just keep quiet. And that's equally as harmful, because maybe you do have something to say, maybe you have something to add to a conversation, but you're so afraid that you're going to have the sin of pride that you won't say anything at all.

Luisa:

So then somebody that might need what you have to say loses because you keep it to yourself Correct.

Mike:

Another thing not sharing the gospel because we don't want to look foolish.

Luisa:

Oh, I know a lot of people like that. It happens to me sometimes.

Mike:

Sometimes I get stuck in not wanting to share the truth because I'm afraid people are going to look at me like what's wrong with this guy. So I go through that. Here's another one not praying in public because we are not eloquent enough, and I know that happens for some people and I really pray for them to have a breakthrough in that area, because I think praying in public is really important. I think being able to pray for somebody in a prayer meeting With the right motive.

Mike:

With the right motive is that you really want to do it, and nobody's prayer is elegant like that. Okay, okay, so-.

Luisa:

So when you say I don't want to pray loud because I'm shy, you're making it about you.

Mike:

Yeah, the way of being ruled by the fear of man, because you're afraid somebody's going to say, well, they don't pray that, well, right? Well, that's not true.

Luisa:

I think we all just pray the way we pray, and I think you might find that it's okay Because we all did it once, we all did it the first time, and you know what baby, and we are so obsessed with how people will view us Right and we are easily embarrassed in our flesh Right that's part of why people don't pray, that's part of why people don't share the gospel.

Mike:

So we have to remember that we're all just human.

Luisa:

Right.

Mike:

And we all are going to go through stuff like this. So I understand that some people are introverted.

Luisa:

So if you're an introvert, one way to try to balance that out is just take a shot at it, yeah, but remember that we are a new creation in Christ and we're not those type of people that we were before that we were not able to do things because we were afraid Right.

Mike:

I can say that for myself. I remember there was a time I was really afraid of public speaking and I was preoccupied with how people looked at me and I wouldn't even open my mouth. I remember in high school I had a speech class and I cut out the whole year just so I didn't have to, like, stand in front of the class and say something. But God and his glory has helped me with that and.

Mike:

I'm able to stand in front of people now and proclaim his word, so I'm really grateful for that. Another thing is are you afraid of being honest and having a hard conversation? Now, this is really something that I know people struggle with, and are you worried that you want people to have a good opinion of you rather than dealing with a problem? So sometimes things just need to be said and sometimes you have to have a good opinion of you rather than dealing with a problem. So sometimes things just need to be said and sometimes you have to have a hard conversation with somebody. Maybe it's about sin, okay.

Mike:

Maybe it's about a relationship where, within a relationship, we have to have a conversation. So if we can't talk to each other, how's anything going to get resolved? So I think fear of man comes into play a lot with that, where people don't have a hard conversation when they need to have it and then nothing gets resolved, but then they want to go around and complain about it. So that's the whole catch here you can't complain. If you want to keep silent and you don't want to deal with maybe a situation that's difficult, then you really can't complain about it, and I know that the struggle to confront is a fear of man, because I've lived that for years. It seems like I'm living a lot of these.

Luisa:

I don't know, I think so.

Mike:

I'm going through this list and I'm like, wow, Mike, you're really in here.

Luisa:

And I think that we're both in here. We have to really look at this and say, okay, I'm going to be honest with myself, this is me. Oh, this was me. Thank God that God delivered me and now I'm here.

Luisa:

We could be in that space you know or we could still be in the space of living our lives in these struggles, and again, that's the fear of man. So it's an awakening for you to sit with this and say, okay, I do live this way and I want God to deliver me for this. So I'm just going to pray that the Lord just helps me in this situation.

Mike:

So let's talk about how do you handle correction. Well, a lot of people don't want to be corrected. That I know for sure. But I tend to look at correction as a way to grow, because if you're doing something wrong or you need to it's a gift to get corrected, it's a gift.

Luisa:

I am so grateful when I get corrected and I'm just like thank you Lord, and I thank the person that came up to me and said you know what? Louisa, blah, blah, blah and I just sit there and say, okay, thank you Lord, because I needed to hear that. But there's some people that get defensive or depressed.

Mike:

Right, that's a problem. And then what happens is you go in the opposite direction. You work anxiously to please and to restore your grace with the person, so sometimes that could get you into a vicious cycle. You get upset with the correction, you get depressed, you get defensive and then you say, oh well, I got to make it up. And then you start going in the opposite direction just to try to make this person who corrected you feel good about you. Listen, I pray for a correction, me too. I look and there are a lot of things I do wrong, and I'm and we've both been corrected. I'm happy. I really wish.

Luisa:

I would you know why we're happy? Because God has shown us that when we are being corrected, it's a gift from him.

Mike:

It is Okay.

Luisa:

Because it gets us back on track of walking in this way, of walking in sin.

Mike:

Yeah, okay. I mean, that's basically what it comes down to. I mean, if you're being corrected, it's because you're doing something wrong.

Luisa:

Right, and so think about it. The need to be right is fear of man.

Mike:

Yes, here's another one. Do you pretend at church? I'm not saying people are fake in church, I'm not saying when you pretend, but here's a way that people pretend at church. Whenever somebody asks us how we're doing, we'll say oh yeah, I'm okay, I'm doing well. Things are okay and listen. Sometimes it is we are okay, but there's a lot of times when we're not.

Luisa:

And I think that's the perfect opportunity, as believers, to trust our brothers and sisters in Christ and say and I've been through this, babe, you know that I'm not okay, right, I'm sick, I'm not sleeping, I'm weary, I'm fogged and I need prayer.

Mike:

And the only way you're going to get it is if you tell somebody about it, right you?

Luisa:

can't walk around and people think that your life is perfect and you're always okay. Yeah, I'm not.

Mike:

Right. I mean, sometimes we just don't feel well, right. So when somebody asks you hey how you doing, you know I really feel horrible today.

Luisa:

And it's not a complaint.

Mike:

No, right, but you can tell people that.

Luisa:

Or something could be going on with you in your marriage, or something could be going on with you with your children, and to be able to express that is such a burden off my shoulders when I'm able to trust one of my sisters in Christ that come up to me sincerely.

Luisa:

Lisa, are you okay? What's going on? It happened to me today. I was sick. Last week I just was sick, and so many of my sisters in Christ sincerely and lovingly came up to me. How are you Right now? Thank God, I'm okay, but last week I was a hot mess.

Mike:

And.

Luisa:

I shared that it wasn't sick physical. I was emotionally, physically and spiritually drained last week and you know that and I was able to share that honestly with people.

Mike:

And I got prayed on for today. I'm so grateful for that. I mean, sometimes it's sin though. So sometimes you know you're in sin and you're hiding that sin because you're afraid to look bad in front of somebody.

Luisa:

How many times have you heard me talk to one of the women in church and I'm like, please, I just sinned against my husband. I just sinned against my husband. Please, I'm just confessing that to you. That's important.

Mike:

No, I think it's really good that you know you should have some people in the church that you know you can go to. I'm not saying you have to go to everybody, but I have guys.

Mike:

And I have women and I'm so grateful I have guys that if I have something going on for me, they'll ask me hey, how you doing today? Mike and I was like, oh you know, and I'll let them know. I'm grateful for that because they don't even have to do anything sometimes. Sometimes I could just say it and I'll feel sort of a sense of relief. I don't have to hide this. I could just be who I am that day, which is I'm not doing well. I got some issue that I'm dealing with, and to be able to talk to a brother or a sister about that I think is a really big deal.

Luisa:

And you know what, babe? Suffering and silence shows a fear of man.

Mike:

It does. It's really a big deal.

Luisa:

Okay, do you love the praises of others?

Mike:

Is the next one. This is really a look at the sin of pride. So do you fish for compliments and pats on the back?

Luisa:

I think everybody does.

Mike:

I think we all do. That's the honest truth.

Luisa:

We're human and we're going to want the pat on the back, but the key is to be aware of it, and that's not who you are. It doesn't become who you are all the time that you want the pat on your back, but sometimes you do, and if you're honest, then that's the truth.

Mike:

I mean, there's a lot of ways this can play out. Do you secretly wish to be praised out loud by others, so you could be sitting there and somebody's talking about how something's going and you say, oh yeah, Louisa did a great job in this.

Luisa:

Oh, Mike does really good as he does ABCD Right and I cringe.

Mike:

Honestly, I don't want to be called out. I really cringe, but there was a time in my life when I looked for that. I'm being honest here. There was a time when I went through stuff like that, but now I feel much differently and I'm able to not want that to happen.

Luisa:

So I know that there's a lot of people that get caught up in that, and I think that's just understanding God's word and who he calls us to be in this walk, and that's when he delivers you, because you say, oh, this is not. I don't want accolades, I just want to glorify God, everything that I do. God sees me and nobody else doesn't have to see it and nobody else has to clap for me because I know, god sees it. He knows my motive, and that's enough for me.

Mike:

It has to be.

Luisa:

Yeah.

Mike:

Because if we love the praise of man, we are not living for the praise of God, right, and that's a big deal. Okay, last one on this list says do you show favoritism? Now, when we have favoritism in the context of fear of man, what it looks like, is this Favoring? Who can give us what we want better than others? So if I'm trying to say I'm trying to get something, and I know Joe can do some things for me, but I know Pete can do a lot more for me, so it comes down to Joe or Pete, I'm going to favor Pete, right, because I know Pete can get me the whole pile. Joe might only be able to get me half of it, and you want the whole pile.

Mike:

I want the whole pile, joe might only be able to get me half of it, and you want the whole pile, I want the whole pile. So that's one way of showing favoritism.

Luisa:

And another way.

Mike:

Baby is being approved by important people you want to feel more important. So if I'm looking for an allocate which is part of this whole thing I want it to come from somebody who's a big shot. So it could happen in church too. Do you get a favor from the pastor? Okay, is the pastor, like happy with you? So you know there's all kinds of little ways here that we fall into these traps that we shouldn't. That we shouldn't. When we base our value in the assessment of others, we're living in a fear of man. I mean, this is a great list. There were so many things on here, so many indicators that show that we do have the fear of man and I can't deny it. I mean, I sit here and I went through all this and I'm saying, oh, my goodness, my score was very high here. All right, I'm asking you guys to be honest with yourselves. Do you see yourself in this? Are you able to identify with anything on this list?

Luisa:

Because no one is exempt from the fear of man.

Mike:

Now we look at these indicators, but let's look at the dangers of fearing man. This is really important because this is a dangerous sin and we're going to see as we go what all of this is.

Luisa:

Right In the book of Proverbs, chapter 29 and verse 25 addresses this problem directly. Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

Mike:

Fearing people is incredibly dangerous for all of us. It's the opposite of freedom, and we can only find freedom and joy in fearing God.

Luisa:

And a snare is a trap. The trap is set when we fear what others might say about us or do to us.

Mike:

We're often deceived into thinking that our fear of man isn't that dangerous or destructive. But it is. It's really destructive and we think it isn't that displeasing to God, right, but it really is. So here's a few examples of the dangers of fearing man. Now the first one and this is scary and you might never have heard this before, because I know that I'm just learning this for myself as we're doing this podcast it says we are incapable of believing the gospel until we recognize and repent of our fear of man.

Luisa:

Babe, can you read that again please?

Mike:

Sure, it says we are incapable of believing the gospel unless we recognize and repent of our fear of man. John, chapter 5, Jesus is talking to the Pharisees. Now what do we know about the?

Luisa:

Pharisees that they were hypocrites.

Mike:

They were hypocrites. They were prideful, they loved to be well thought of. They loved all the-.

Luisa:

They thought they were more important than everybody else.

Mike:

They loved the front row seats in the synagogue. They loved to be viewed as righteous and they would rather kill Jesus than admit their hypocrisy.

Luisa:

Right.

Mike:

So, babe, can you read verse 44?

Luisa:

Absolutely. How can you believe, since you accept glory from one another but do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?

Mike:

Amen these Pharisees. They were seeking glory from men Right, and that's all they ever do. They wanted to look good, they wanted to be revered by man, they wanted to be praised by man, they wanted to be important. And that blinded them to the truth of the gospel Right. And the gospel was right there in front of them. It was Jesus, and it was presented to them so clearly.

Luisa:

But they were unable to believe because they were so stuck, because that's what pride does to you?

Mike:

Yeah, they were so stuck. So the fear of man is dangerous because it prevents unbelievers from trusting in Jesus. So, number two we are incapable of serving Christ because we are enslaved to the desires of others.

Luisa:

In Galatians, chapter 1 and verse 10, Paul says if he was still trying to please men, he would not be a servant of Christ.

Mike:

It says am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God, or am I trying to please people? If I was still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Luisa:

So we cannot serve more than one master.

Mike:

Amen. And I know that in the Bible the example that they give here is between you can't serve God and you can't serve money. But really, when you say we cannot serve more than one master, one master is God, right, okay, he's the constant. So you either serve God or you serve something else, and that something else can be anything. So any type of idol that we have can get in the way of God. So when we look at our service, our service won't be authentic If our service is out to please man, if we're at the door greeting people and we're phony about it or we're just like trying to look good for people to say, hey, look at them, they're at the door, and all that. Our service is going to be inauthentic, it's going to be selfish, it's going to be self-motivated.

Luisa:

Because we're not pleasing God, we're pleasing ourselves.

Mike:

We're going to be driven by the wants of people and not the wants of God, and we're going to be controlled by man instead of controlled by Christ.

Mike:

So if you look at this whole thing talk about being controlled by man is because we're seeking glory from man. So when we're stuck on that, everything that we do is going to go towards getting their approval, getting the approval of man wanting to look good, wanting to do it for the—you're doing it all for the wrong reason. So it's important that all your service be done for the glory of God. Until we get that together, it's not going to go well.

Luisa:

But until we repent of this sin, we will be useless to God in any of our service. And this ties into the next danger, Number three we risk the loss of eternal reward.

Mike:

Eternal reward. Now that sounds like it's something that could be prideful, getting eternal reward, but God lives to give us eternal reward. If we look at Matthew, chapter 6 and verse 1, it says Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

Luisa:

So here Jesus looks at giving, praying and fasting.

Mike:

Amen. So are we doing it for the approval of man or for the glory of God? In that verse and the passage that's around it, he talks about doing things in front of others. So when the collection plate passes by, do you make sure that you show people how much money you're putting it Okay. When you're praying, do you like standing on the street corner, like it says in the Bible, so that people can hear you pray and people are going to think that you're this great prayer warrior? Or even when you're fasting, do you come in looking all beat up and saying, oh, I didn't eat for three days.

Luisa:

Oh, look at me, I'm fasting.

Mike:

I'm fasting. Yeah, no he doesn't want you to do that Right. He wants you to do it in secret, in silence. So when you give, don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing.

Luisa:

When you're fasting, he wants you to wash your face, comb your hair and put on your makeup and look decent, put on your best clothes and you could not eat for three days.

Mike:

but don't show everybody that you have it.

Luisa:

Oh, don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody.

Mike:

Okay, when you pray, go in your prayer closet and pray in silence. I mean it's okay to pray out loud Because. God hears you, but he doesn't want you to make a spectacle of it.

Luisa:

Right.

Mike:

Are we doing it for the approval of man or for the glory of God? Now? The eternal reward is something that Christ will give us when we get to heaven, and if you're looking for the reward now, you might get earthly praise. If people see that you give a lot or that you pray a lot, you might get the allocate from them.

Luisa:

They think you're a perfect Christian. That's all you're going to get.

Mike:

Yes, I mean, it doesn't matter, yeah, it doesn't take away your salvation, but it's just that God is going to look at you and say okay, you wanted the reward. Boom, there it is, and you're going to sacrifice your eternal reward for earthly approval, and earthly praise is fleeting and God's praise lasts for eternity.

Luisa:

When we pretend that we love the Lord, when actually we really love the praise of men. All our obedience will be burned up as wood hay and stubble on that final day.

Mike:

Right. This is an incredible motivation to deal with the fear of man in our hearts, right.

Luisa:

The primary sin for the fear of man is pride. Amen, pride, pride, pride, pride.

Mike:

Pride, pride, pride. Every sin that comes from the fear of man is self-serving and self-motivating and it's completely apart from God.

Luisa:

Think about that. It's completely apart from God. Think about that. It's completely apart from God.

Mike:

You don't ever want to be apart from God. So as you go through this, you have to know that fearing man is driving a wedge between you and God. He's looking at you like what are you doing?

Luisa:

I'm here. You're supposed to be looking for me. They're more important than me. In your eyes, that man or that woman is more important than me.

Mike:

Amen, amen. So here's a list of sins that derive from the fear of man. Number one is lying, or deceitfulness. Now, I know we talked about that before and we're going to give a little example that comes out of the Bible, because what you're going to find, surprisingly, is that all these great people in the Bible had the fear of man in one way and look.

Luisa:

in the book of Genesis, Abraham lied that Sarah was his wife.

Mike:

Right. He feared that the Egyptians were going to kill him and take Sarah.

Luisa:

Right.

Mike:

And they actually did Right. Okay, but God was good, he spared her and he rebuked Abraham and the interesting thing is the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because Abraham's son, isaac, did the same thing a generation later. He was afraid His wife was beautiful. Okay, so I'm not going to tell them it's my wife. They're going to snatch my wife away from me and they're going to kill me, but by lying he actually caused more-.

Mike:

Committed sin by lying and it caused more problems than he would have, because people are going to lie to either gain an advantage or avoid punishment. Fear of man often weaves a web of deceit.

Luisa:

And number two, babe, is being afraid.

Mike:

John, chapter 3, we see Nicodemus. He came to see Jesus in the middle of the night. Why did he do that? Why, because he was afraid to be seen with Jesus.

Luisa:

Right.

Mike:

Many of the Jewish leaders were afraid to be seen with Jesus, but in fact there were some that really believed, but they were so afraid of showing that.

Luisa:

Right. They were afraid to be displaced from the synagogue and their position of power.

Mike:

Right, they all had this power. They all wanted to be revered by the people, so they didn't want to come out and say, hey, you know, I kind of believe this guy.

Luisa:

And I think that goes on in the world today too.

Mike:

Sure.

Luisa:

People really don't want to confess Jesus Christ.

Mike:

They don't, they're afraid. But if you're right, people are saying, ah, we don't want Jesus. And maybe they do deep inside, but they kind of hide it.

Luisa:

And they fear the loss of status more than they desire from and believe about Christ.

Mike:

Amen. Number three compromise, exodus 32. Moses Compromise, exodus 32. Moses was on the mountain receiving the Ten Commandments for God, but down at the bottom of the mountain, the people of Israel were impatient and they demanded a God instead of the true God. So Aaron was the leader. He was down there trying to hold them off while Moses was still up on the mountain, but what he wound up doing was compromising, so he collected the jewelry from all the people and he made a golden calf Right.

Mike:

So Aaron compromised to the people instead of standing up for the truth. Amen. How easy is it to bend the Bible around? The culture instead of bending the culture around the Bible.

Luisa:

Exactly. Number four is disobedience.

Mike:

In 1 Samuel, chapter 15, saul had received clear instruction to destroy all the Amalekites and their possessions, but instead Saul chose to make a couple of small exceptions by sparing the king and the best of the cattle. Now, saul's disobedience was costly, right? So what did it cost him, babe?

Luisa:

God spoke to Samuel and he went directly to Saul informing him that God will be removing him from the throne. That's what it cost him. The fear of man cost Saul everything. He lost the kingdom and his friend Samuel.

Mike:

Amen. Next, the next sin is being double-minded. Okay, here's a good one. Why don't you read Galatians, chapter 2? What happened in there, babe?

Luisa:

In Galatians, chapter 2, the apostle Paul confronted Peter to his face. Peter had previously eaten with the Gentiles when he rejected them in fear of those who came from Jerusalem. Peter was two-faced he changed actions to curry favor with whomever he was trying to please.

Mike:

So this displays hypocrisy and insincerity. So, rather than standing for principle, peter was guilty of man-pleasing. What's next, babe?

Luisa:

Number six is injustice.

Mike:

In Mark, chapter six, herod was afraid of John the Baptist because he was a righteous and holy man. Herod had a party and his stepdaughter danced before a room full of guests. Yep, so Herod was drunk and he did something stupid. He issued a foolish challenge offering to give to her anything that she wanted up to half the kingdom.

Luisa:

Right and her wicked mother.

Mike:

Herodias.

Luisa:

Influenced her daughter to request the head of John the Baptist on a platter.

Mike:

Now this horrified Herod. Herod was an evil, awful man.

Luisa:

Right.

Mike:

Okay, but here's what we talked about before is doing something that we really don't want to do. He really did not want to do this, but he was so afraid he ordered John's death, even though this went against his conscience.

Luisa:

Right Herod thought it was worse to lose the respect of his guests than be true to his convictions. This is that fear of man.

Mike:

Amen, okay, number seven denying Christ. Now, this one here is tough. Okay, because you don't want to deny Christ. This is probably the worst one of it all. I don't know why it's number seven, but it is. Want to deny Christ? This is probably the worst one of it all. I don't know why it's number seven, but it is. In Matthew, chapter 26, peter caved and denied Christ three times in succession.

Luisa:

That's three. One, two, three.

Mike:

Yeah, In fact, all of the disciples denied Christ at the crucifixion, Remember, they all ran, they all were scattered. So Peter's denial was emphatic. So the girl asked him hey, aren't you one of his? And no, no, I'm not, I'm not. So every time she asked him he got more worked up about it. But the other disciples they denied through silence, Right when they just ran away. Now, to their credit, they all died as martyrs rather than deny Christ again. But how many times do we deny Christ?

Luisa:

by caving in, compromising fear, fear of man, think about the culture that we live in right now. People do it all the time.

Mike:

Yeah, they do.

Luisa:

And number eight doing nothing Right. In Matthew 25, jesus told the story of a man who was going on a trip.

Mike:

He called his servants and distributed his goods to them. Going on a trip, he called his servants and distributed his goods to them. One received five talents, another received two and the third received one talent. The first two servants traded and invested the resources and made a profit. Both were commended and rewarded for their productivity, but the third servant hid the money.

Luisa:

Right, so his excuse was fear-based. The money Right, so his excuse was fear-based. I was afraid he was more concerned about failing than succeeding, so he chose to hide the talent rather than use it. Doing nothing is not an option for followers of Christ. The consequence of indifference can be fatal. Right, and it's called eternal death. Yes.

Mike:

So the last one we have on the list is bondage, and this is an important one. When the opinions of people loom larger than the opinion of God, bondage is invitable. Everyone needs someone with who they can confide, confess and from whom they can draw counsel. Now, we talked about this before Right Having somebody in the church that you can confess your sin to, that you could share something with, that holds you accountable, that could hold you accountable.

Luisa:

Mm-hmm.

Mike:

And that sometimes you just need some advice from somebody Right, and refusal to shame oneself by bringing the dark deeds of the soul into the light builds a self-imposed prison. Think about that. Yeah, so when you're hiding your sin, you're really in jail, right, because you're always afraid somebody's going to find out. You're guilt-ridden, you're wondering You're unhappy?

Luisa:

Yeah, you're unhappy because you're still living in the sin.

Mike:

Right, you're anxious. Yeah, the grip of besetting sin can be very powerful, and overcoming these faults is often conditioned by confessing them to another brother or sister.

Luisa:

Right. These two one another commands confessing to one another and praying for one another are essential to victory.

Mike:

Amen. Darkness cannot be expelled without coming to the light. Bondage breaking requires a team effort. So if the fear of man has a hold on you, is there any hope?

Luisa:

Of course there is. It is the fear of God. Amen, you know. Our hope and identity is always in Christ, babe. Amen, you know.

Mike:

Change is always possible because of Christ. In fact, it's really the only way.

Luisa:

Whenever?

Mike:

we think we can do this on our own. It never works Never.

Luisa:

You could try until you're blue in the face, but it's only when you go to Christ and ask him for help and you go to him humbly and say Lord, your will over my life, because it's not working me trying to do anything in my own life.

Mike:

The Holy Spirit's always going to give us the grace and means to grow and walk in obedience in this area of struggle.

Luisa:

Right and as a child of God. We have no reason to fear. We have the greatest advocate on our side.

Mike:

Amen.

Luisa:

And we have to know that. Yes and we have to know it and know it, and know it and walk in that.

Mike:

And we're going to teach it to you in the next episode.

Luisa:

Yeah.

Mike:

So let's just as just a reminder here that in about two weeks we're going to be doing an episode on the fear of God. It's meant to be the hope and the solution for everything we've discussed today, so please be on the lookout for it. We'll send it out to our subscribers when it's ready, and then everybody else. I know you listen to us on Apple and Spotify and some of those other podcast platforms. Just be on the lookout for it, because the first part of this really does no good without the second part of it. Right, and we're not trying to do that to get you to listen to two episodes. We just had so much to cover in this first episode that we don't want to shortchange the fear of God.

Luisa:

And you know what I think? I want people to really our listeners to really meditate on what we just shared. Okay, you have to take some time to sit with yourself and you have to be able to be honest and say, okay, who am I, where am I in this situation that I just listened to? Okay, and then it will help you when we do the next episode. To there comes the hope Right, and the hope is in Christ. Amen.

Mike:

You know, let's pray. Oh gracious father, we thank you for the hope we have in Christ. The sin of the fear of man is one that many of us struggle with, and we don't even know it. We thank you for revealing this truth through your word and the solution through your promises. We pray that everyone who struggles with the fear of man would come to a greater fear of you. In Jesus' name, we pray, amen, amen.

Luisa:

So that wraps up episode 48. We thank you for listening. We invite you to leave us a comment or a question by going to our website at jtepodcastorg.

Mike:

That's jtepodcastorg.

Luisa:

Click on the contact us page and we will respond within 24 hours. If you don't personally know us, introduce yourselves.

Mike:

While you're there, you can subscribe to the podcast and receive an email the minute a new episode is published. You can also find all of our previous episodes, and we invite you to find one that resonates with you.

Luisa:

And, as always, please support us by sharing this podcast with a friend or on your social media page.

Mike:

Now till next time. We wish you God's blessing as you navigate everyday life in a sinful, fallen world. May the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

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Luisa and Mike Sirignano

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